I'm finding out that there are times when you do actually have to let go of something or someone, whether you are ready to or not. There are times when you just can't fix what's broken, and just about the only thing you can do is hand the situation over to God and let Him take over completely. Ideally, this is what happens all the time anyway, but when your heart and your emotions are attached, it's so hard to get out of the way and let the Spirit move, amen?
One of our girls left a couple of weeks ago, and because of this, as well as several things that needed to happen, our house is a much more peaceful place, where voices are heard more often, time is distributed more equally, and rest is actually received. It's like we are living in a different house, and I am oh-so-thankful.
I feel like I am able to pay attention and really hear the rest of the kids in our house, because all of my time and energy isn't being drained away by any one person, and this feels awesome. But along with the improvements in our home, time for reflection and conviction on my part has come.
The longer I am here doing this, the more I know how truly, completely inadequate I am to be doing it. I love having a big family, I love being a part of this work, but there are times when my patience wears too thin, or my fuse runs too short, or I just want five minutes alone, but can't get it. There are times when I don't want to get up and make breakfast for eight kids, or make dinner for nine people, and times when I think "If I just had two more hours in a day!" I really am not smart enough, wise enough, strong enough or faithful enough to do this by myself. I am so glad God called us here, because otherwise I would be a big, fat mess trying to make it all work myself. I am thankful beyond words that the Lord has given me a husband who is a rock. He anchors me, keeps my head on straight, and keeps my eyes looking ahead when I'm tempted to crumble under the weight of what we are doing here. God has equipped him to hold me up, and God Himself holds me close and fills me with purpose.
One of my biggest struggles right now is trying to hear God's voice in the midst of the madness. I've become convicted that I really need quiet time with Him, and it's looking like that means getting up an hour earlier each morning. I feel Him tugging at me about this, and I know it's what God wants, because He knows it's what is best for me. So that's what I'm working on. Taking walks early in the morning, praying, reading and studying the Word, when it's just me and my Lord. I'm tired anyway, so why not be tired and filled up with the Spirit as well? :) And from past experience, I've found that God brings extra stores of rest when I take the time I need with Him. So in the midst of letting go, moving forward, and pressing on, this is my new goal. A quiet time that is actually quiet. Will wonders never cease? :)