BEHIND THE TIMES

I know I'm horrifically behind with my blog posts.  Jasper and K's birthdays were a month ago and I still haven't written anything about either one.  The boys' shared room is completely finished and I'm in love with it, and I still haven't posted pictures.  I have tons of other pictures to post about what we've been up to lately...but I'm stuck in a never-ending cycle of either not having time to blog, or having extra time and not wanting to spend the precious minutes with my eyes glued to a computer (like now).  Another big deterrent is how heavy life is here.  There is always something big, dramatic, and emotionally draining happening here, and I like to keep it real, so it's hard to write chipper, upbeat little posts when I'm mucking around in the trenches.  So pretty much a perfect line-up of life circumstances has to happen to bring me back around to blogging each time.

Even now, I am wiped.  I am feeling very much alone, very much a failure, and very much discouraged right now - have been for about a week.  Since moving here, my list of friends has been shaved down to a handful, which is okay because time-wise I'm not sure I can manage more, but it hurts to know you were given up automatically once your life circumstances changed.  I am very alone in the scope of the emotional toll this job takes, as well.  God has blessed me with growing friendships with the other house moms out here, but we are all so busy that we have to be very intentional about making time to get together.  The failure feeling comes from the "spinning my wheels" feeling I get when dealing with our middle school girls.  We are up to our elbows in training these girls - proper routines at bedtime, good hygiene, taking good care of personal items, respect for others' feelings and property, accomplishing tasks in a timely fashion, how to act like a lady in public, table manners, etc...all things they have never been taught before coming here.  It's cyclical and draining.  I really don't want to come here to complain - once again just trying to be honest and show all sides of what we are doing here.  Sometimes I want to pull my hair out and eat it.  Holy Moly.  And I am discouraged because of something personal and very painful that happened a couple of weeks ago that I won't discuss in detail here, but suffice it to say, it still hurts, it's still pulling at me, and I just can't seem to let go.  Please pray for me, and for our big, crazy family.

Next week is our relief week, so hopefully I will have some extra, extra time to catch up on some really great posts I had planned.  And hopefully I'll feel more like myself by then, too.

EASTER IN ARKANSAS

We loaded up our whole crew (two adults and seven kiddos) in our 15-passenger van and headed to Searcy, AR to see Harding's Spring Sing and celebrate Easter with Michael's parents.

To be honest, I was a wee bit stressed about the trip, thinking it would be SO MUCH work for me, and that I would have to start a new week at home 110% exhausted afterwards. What I wasn't counting on is how helpful our girls were throughout the trip (especially during the six hour drive there and back), and how thankful they were to be there and get to experience everything.

We split Bennett and Jasper up on different benches, which turned out to be a genius idea, because the girls ended up keeping them entertained and distracted, and since they weren't sitting next to each other, they couldn't bug each other at all :). Hats off to Kat and Jennifer especially, because they each spent six hours both ways reading books, handing out snacks, taking silly pictures on the iPad, singing songs, playing puppets, and watching movies with the boys. This Mama hardly had to lift a finger! Seriously. I read the entire last two Hunger Games books in those two trips. I can't remember the last time I got to read so much in one sitting!

While we were in Searcy, we toured the Harding campus, did a little shopping at the Harding Store, showed the girls around town and told them all of our goofy dating stories, played at a local park, went to a $1 jewelry store, attended Spring Sing for the Saturday matinee (which was FABULOUS this year!), visited with Nanna and Papa, ate at a yummy Chinese buffet, took the girls to see the $2 showing of The Vow, had a big breakfast and an Easter egg hunt on Sunday morning before church, and then ended our trip by attending the church Michael went to when he was growing up and where we went together while dating at Harding.

It was such a good trip and we made lots of fun memories together. Next time I'll know better than to worry so much, and I'll be better prepared to have a fantastic time :).

Here's our Easter Sunday picture. I have pics of the kids in the van and some random stuff from the trip, too, that I'll hopefully get around to posting once they are uploaded to our computer.

LETTING GO

I'm finding out that there are times when you do actually have to let go of something or someone, whether you are ready to or not. There are times when you just can't fix what's broken, and just about the only thing you can do is hand the situation over to God and let Him take over completely. Ideally, this is what happens all the time anyway, but when your heart and your emotions are attached, it's so hard to get out of the way and let the Spirit move, amen?

One of our girls left a couple of weeks ago, and because of this, as well as several things that needed to happen, our house is a much more peaceful place, where voices are heard more often, time is distributed more equally, and rest is actually received. It's like we are living in a different house, and I am oh-so-thankful.

I feel like I am able to pay attention and really hear the rest of the kids in our house, because all of my time and energy isn't being drained away by any one person, and this feels awesome. But along with the improvements in our home, time for reflection and conviction on my part has come.

The longer I am here doing this, the more I know how truly, completely inadequate I am to be doing it. I love having a big family, I love being a part of this work, but there are times when my patience wears too thin, or my fuse runs too short, or I just want five minutes alone, but can't get it. There are times when I don't want to get up and make breakfast for eight kids, or make dinner for nine people, and times when I think "If I just had two more hours in a day!" I really am not smart enough, wise enough, strong enough or faithful enough to do this by myself. I am so glad God called us here, because otherwise I would be a big, fat mess trying to make it all work myself. I am thankful beyond words that the Lord has given me a husband who is a rock. He anchors me, keeps my head on straight, and keeps my eyes looking ahead when I'm tempted to crumble under the weight of what we are doing here. God has equipped him to hold me up, and God Himself holds me close and fills me with purpose.

One of my biggest struggles right now is trying to hear God's voice in the midst of the madness. I've become convicted that I really need quiet time with Him, and it's looking like that means getting up an hour earlier each morning. I feel Him tugging at me about this, and I know it's what God wants, because He knows it's what is best for me. So that's what I'm working on. Taking walks early in the morning, praying, reading and studying the Word, when it's just me and my Lord. I'm tired anyway, so why not be tired and filled up with the Spirit as well? :) And from past experience, I've found that God brings extra stores of rest when I take the time I need with Him. So in the midst of letting go, moving forward, and pressing on, this is my new goal. A quiet time that is actually quiet. Will wonders never cease? :)

FRIENDS AND FLOWERS

These past few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. They challenged me emotionally and spiritually in ways I haven't experienced in years. Several of my closest friends knew this, and I have never been more thankful for the support system I have in these wonderful people. I received texts, emails and messages of encouragement to keep me going. Then on the most difficult, stressful day of last week, one of my dear friends, Kristen, sent me flowers! They absolutely made my day. So here's a heart felt thank you to all of the friends and family who have cheered us on and helped keep us strong!

FACEBOOK FUNNIES

Because everyone is on Facebook, you've probably already seen these, but I couldn't resist, so just in case you missed them...

The Lord must have known I needed a good laugh today :).

MAKING MUD PIES

The water tower in our area is drained every 3-6 months. The water runs all the way through the property and right down the small ditch in our front yard. Our kiddos begged and pleaded to go play in the water, and what followed was a mud fight of gigantic proportions :).

Posts to come:

1. Ocean themed school unit with Bennett.

2. Family pictures.

3. Birthdays: Keairra, Jasper and Jenn.

4. We got a dog. Yep. A dog.

SIX MONTHS

We have been here for six months today. For some reason, this has always been a big milestone in my mind. It's like saying, "We're not just playing around here. We're here to stay, we're committed to being here and loving these kids. This isn't temporary."

When we first arrived on campus, something the other house moms told me was that it was a good thing I didn't know all there was to know about being here at the very beginning. Looking back, I completely agree. My brain wouldn't have been able to process everything from the get-go, and I might have gone a little nuts if I'd known then what I know now. Not because it's an impossible task (because nothing is impossible with the Lord), or because I would have changed my mind, but just because work like this is better meted out a little at a time, as you are able to take it in. That is what God has done for us in the six months we have been here. He has slowly eased us into this life, graciously allowing us to be naive for bits of time, until we were ready to handle more. It has taken this full six months to fully grasp what we are doing here and all that this work entails. I can say now that I feel like Michael and I understand, and that our system for getting things done and having a successful ministry here is being tweaked and refined very nicely. But it really has taken the full half-year to get here. (I'm pretty sure in another six months I'll look back and laugh at this post, thinking I knew nothing then, either :) ).

Everything has become more stabilized, and there is a ribbon of trust running through the house that grows thicker and stronger with each passing day. I'm learning to be more efficient with my time, I'm learning when to say "when!" and take a break. I've stopped getting sick every few weeks (thank goodness!) because my body has adjusted to the level of energy it takes to be here. We have formed solid bonds with each of our girls and now have a history with them, which goes a LONG way with these kids. We have memories together, which is precious. Being a mother of eight children feels normal. It feels full and happy (sometimes dramatic and stressful, but mostly full and happy :) ). I have watched God step in and intervene in a tangible, powerful way over and over and over again in our lives. He clearly wants us to do His will here - we are right where He wants us. There is so much strength and peace in that knowledge. God is for us - who can be against us?

I feel like I need to update from the "lunch money being stolen" entry a few weeks ago. The situation we found ourselves in was yet another example of God intervening in a mighty way. He stepped in and turned things right-side up again, which I am thankful for beyond words. I don't think I've ever been so stressed in my life, but God made a path that I didn't even know was possible, and smoothed it out before me. I am uplifted, renewed, and re-energized because God is GOOD. And He always will be - that's the truth I put my trust in here, because I know I am not able on my own.

Bennett and Jasper continue to thrive. Children are so flexible and resilient - it's like they have been here and had multiple female, teenaged siblings all their little lives :). Room sharing is still smooth sailing, they have both become more responsible with chores and duties around the house (especially Bennett - he is a ROCK STAR at cleaning his room and making his bed now), and they both enjoy going down to the big playground with the middle school girls more than just about anything else in life.

Michael has more energy than I ever thought possible. He just never runs out. That's one of the gifts God has given him that makes him so perfect for this. He comes home from work fresh as a daisy, ready to roll around on the floor with the boys, help the girls with homework, or cook dinner (he takes over two nights a week so I can take all of the kids to go work out). What a blessing that we both love this so much.

There are so many things I love about being here, some of which I've said before, but I'll say again anyway, and some of which are new. I love feeling like a girl again - getting to hang with my girls makes it easy and fun. I love being busy. I really do. Not stressed-to-the-max busy, like the first 4-5 months were, but more like this, where I just always have something going on, something to do, something to tackle. If I'm not busy, I'm sometimes lazy, which I really can't stand. So having a full day with a big fat to-do list is right up my alley :). I love how we are all learning more about each other little by little, and how we store our information up about one another and it comes out here and there, revealed through different situations and circumstances. I love watching these three new girls that we have gotten since we've been here slowly find their place, slowly begin to trust, and slowly realize that we really are here for them, because we love them, because God loves them. I love living on land where we can run and play and breathe deep and hang out on the deck and see the stars. I love knowing in the midst of a very difficult situation, that God is there with me, and that He alone will pull me through. I love how being here forces me to be dependent on God. I literally, truly, cannot do this without Him. It clears up any confusion over who's boss, which is good because sometimes I get mixed up and think I'm the one in charge. Being here sets me straight real quick :).

Six beautiful months - looking ahead at six more just as beautiful as the first.

WEEKEND GETAWAY

A couple of weeks ago we were on our relief week, where the girls stay with the relief house parents from Monday to Monday. On previous relief weeks, I used to work my fanny off around the house, getting extra things done, doing little projects, decorating, hanging pictures that sadly are still not on the walls, etc. By the time the girls got back, I was exhausted all over again, which wasn't very smart of me. This past time, I figured out that on relief week, I actually need to feel relieved by resting. So I made up my mind not to take on any more painting, straightening or organizing. Instead, I planned a week of book reading, book writing, bubble baths, take out food, and especially napping :). Half way through the week, I was feeling good and feeling amazed that I still had several days left to take it easy. I asked Michael about making plans to have dinner with an old friend, and surprisingly, he said "no." This is unusual for him, so I had a hard time letting go, wondering why. He finally told me I couldn't make any more plans with friends, and that he'd already contacted the other friends I had weekend plans with to cancel, because he was taking me on a four-day weekend getaway. He wouldn't tell me where, but told me we would be leaving the following afternoon, and my parents already knew they would be keeping the boys.

The next afternoon he drove us out past Sulphur Springs to a little town called Mt. Vernon, and we stayed in a Bed-and-Breakfast, retreat-type ranch. It's called Selah Ranch, and it was such a restful place. Michael and I couldn't believe we hadn't been alone doing something like that since I was 10 weeks pregnant with Jasper. Crazy!

The whole time we were there, we watched movies, ate delicious meals, rode around the surrounding land in a golf cart, and had plans to play 18 holes of frisbee golf that was thwarted by the weather. I got so much work done on my second book, it's not even funny. I got to sleep in three mornings in a row, take hot showers after an awesome country breakfast each morning, and got to spend some major quality time with my honey, who orchestrated all of it simply to give me some much-needed rest. While we were there, I felt the knots unwind and release in my back, I felt refreshed, and I felt like my old self again - someone who laughs a lot and has fun and doesn't take things quite so seriously. It was just what I needed, and the effects of the trip have lasted ever since - two weeks later. We're thinking about going back there, or somewhere like it, every six months or so to give us both a good recharge :).

I am SO grateful to have a man like Michael. I know I could not do what we are doing without him. He makes it all so much easier and so much more enjoyable :).

The gorgeous room we stayed in

The view from our balcony.

Riding around on the frisbee golf course :)

Michael out on the golf cart (another view from our room).

Me and my sweetie :)

I GET DOWN, AND HE LIFTS ME UP

This song suits my life to a tee right now. I am on the steepest roller coaster ride of my life being here. These past two weeks have completely, totally, sadly, eaten my lunch. I'm like the wimpy kid at school who gets his lunch stolen day after day after day. That's how I've felt for the whole two weeks, and I'm not sure I've ever been this stressed.

The nice thing is, that even though this has been the longest stretch of seriously hard stuff we've been through so far, I still know the rough patch will end and things will get lighter and brighter and smoother again, and I'll get to take a deep breath, look around, and be thankful that we made it through another difficult time out here. And the amazing thing is, I can feel God's presence when I seek it, and He gives me storehouses of peace and joy and love for this family the minute I ask for it (which is good because otherwise I might lose my ever-loving mind :) ).

Our four youngest girls are going on a retreat this weekend that I believe they will really benefit from. I found out yesterday that our church is going to fully fund all six of our girls to attend their high school and middle school youth group retreats this spring, as well as ALL of their mission trips this summer. AMAZING and SO exciting!! Again, I believe these trips will bless them, help them grow, and draw them closer to the Father.

This weekend while we only have four kids (HA! There's something wrong with that statement...), I am going to rest and reflect. And next week while our girls are at another cottage and we are on relief week, I am going to pray and spend some deep, much-needed time in the Word. And I'm going to take half a dozen bubble baths :). And eat some ice cream. And watch Pride and Prejudice five times. And go shopping. And have a Girl's Night. Ahhhh, I feel better already :).

For those of you who are praying, please pray more than ever. Michael and I believe we are under direct attack right now. Satan hates what we are doing here, and he seeks to tear us down and destroy this work. Please pray for our strength, endurance, peace, joy and wisdom in what we are doing - for those things specifically.

Love and Blessings to you all!

EGGS IN ONE BASKET

Some fun facts about the way we're living our lives these days:

1. Earlier this week Michael made breakfast burritos for dinner. He used 20 eggs, two green peppers, 25 tortillas, a bag of cheese, and 1/2 a jar of salsa. Not to mention drinks and sides. We go through food like nobody's business, but have found that simply doubling most recipes works well and is super easy. I thought cooking for so many people would be extremely stressful, but it's actually pretty fun, and it's nice to know I don't have to do clean up afterwards :).

2. We have a grocery room here on campus where we get most of our staple items, which is very helpful. Going to the actual grocery store mostly consists of buying dairy, fresh produce, and specialty items. All ten of us (yes, ten - we got our last new girl on Friday - she's in 7th grade like Kat, and she's a fabulous addition) pile up in Big Bertha (what we call our 15 passenger van) and head to Target or Walmart for a 30-45 minute shopping trip. To prepare for this, I make a list for the grocery room, and also one for the grocery store based on the weekly menu I've made, as well as snacks, goodies and frozen foods. I split up the grocery store list 6-8 ways, depending on who's partnering up that week, and each person gets 4-6 items (actually, I usually end up getting 10 or so things, but that's the stuff that can't be explained on a post-it note list :) ). Rather than me wrangling my boys by myself and making it a painful, 2-3 hour ordeal, we all pitch in on Saturday afternoon and knock the trip out in about 45 minutes total, from loading up, to putting away all of the groceries. Nice.

3. Bennett and Jasper are now sharing the large front bedroom in the house. I am so glad we purchased a bunk bed set for them before we moved here, because moving them in together was no big deal at all. Each bedroom in our house has two good-sized closets already, because all of them are set up with the possibility of sharing a room. When Alyssa came, I bunked her up with Kat, our other 7th grader, and moved Milka (our 8th grader who came back in November) into Jasper's old room. Getting new girls and trying to figure out the optimal place to put them is a lot like playing a game of chess. I've tried to be strategic and intentional with the way they influence each other and spend time together. So far our new arrangement is working out beautifully, which I am so thankful for. The Lord has gone ahead of us on each and every decision like this, and He has smoothed the way. B & J love sharing a room and being roomies. Michael and I hear them in there giggling and talking at night, and we just love the memories they are building together. We tell them they need to take care of each other because they are best friends, and now they're actually acting like it, which is so sweet to witness. Thank you, Lord for giving me peace about this transition, and for making it so sweet.

4. Our girls are getting excited about the youth group retreats and mission trips being offered this year at our church, and we're excited that they're excited :). Can't wait to see what the Lord does in these girls this summer, and the way He draws them closer to His side.

5. We have a Family Meeting every Sunday evening at 8:00 where we revisit rules and issues that need to be addressed, and Michael also does a mini-devotional. He really is gifted at this. I am amazed every. single. week. at the message he brings. We've been talking about setting goals, and we have a cork board in the kitchen where the kids have posted their own personal ones, like not biting fingernails (Keke, Kat and me), or not eating after 7:30pm (Cheyenne and Michael), etc. Tonight we're talking about Michael and I's goal to show these girls how to become strong Christian women by the time they turn 18 and eventually leave here. This is what we want for them - to love the Lord with all their hearts, to become wonderful wives and mothers, to contribute to society, to heal and move past what has happened in their young lives.

6. The girls call me Mama J (occasionally Mama or Mom, but mostly Mama J), and they call Michael Big Mac (his initials are MAC, so that's what they came up with :) ). I can't tell you how sweet it is when one of them refers to herself as our daughter, or they say something to their friends like, "My mom would kill me if I did that!" - talking about me. Words like these are ones I will store up in my heart forever. I will never forget that God has given me the privilege and opportunity to be a mother to these precious, lovely girls. I won't ever forget the impact the Lord is allowing us to have. I will be able to see the positive imprint this is experience is having on our boys for years to come. Words really are not adequate for what goes on in our house from day to day - the way these girls are transforming before our eyes. God has placed His hand of blessing on this house. Another testimony He is giving me - one that I will treasure all of my days, I have no doubt. I am allowed to be mom to eight children. Amazing. Sometimes it takes my breath away.

7. Middle school girls are a whole different animal. They are crazy and giggly and impulsive. They are so much fun, and sometimes ridiculously frustrating. I am glad God equips those whom He calls :). The girls are not allowed to have nail polish in their rooms and have to paint their nails in the common area, so imagine my surprise when I went into one of our girl's rooms to do a quick cleaning inspection (which I do randomly and periodically to make sure they keep up with things), and I find a row of blue post-it notes taped down to the carpet by her desk. Huh. I think. What are those doing there? I pry them off the floor and find a GIANT hot pink stain on the carpet, caused by - what else? - nail polish. Girl has been wearing rubber gloves and scrubbing her carpet for days, and has lost all nail painting privileges for the rest of the school year (devastating, I tell you). Believe it or not, the stain is coming up. I highly recommend Goo Gone for such things, in case you ever have a crazy, giggly, impulsive middle school girl of your own :).