Wednesday, July 20, 2011


I'm having my doubts that anyone actually reads this blog anymore, which is okay since I write it mostly for me and my kiddos, and for family, but for anyone still hanging around who has been around for a while, you know I like to tell it like it is. And I have to say - like it is? Well, it's rough right now. That's probably why I've been so quiet on the blog-front lately. How do you say stuff like this without being a Debbie Downer, or feeling faithless? It's taken me some time to get up the guts to write this post, but maybe writing it will let someone else out there know they're not alone either.

You know when everything just feels flipped upside-down in life, like nothing is what it's supposed to be? Or when you feel like you're invisible, or just not all that significant? Or when things just are not going the way you planned or thought they would? It's a tough, humbling way to feel, and I've been in a rut where everything just feels off for several weeks now. It's pretty normal for me to feel this way for a day or two every few months, but this...this is kicking my tail. I just can't seem to shake it. And to go for broke and be completely honest, I just haven't been in the Word like I need to be. So I don't have the peace and the reminders that usually bring so much strength. I feel like God is silent right now, like I can't reach Him, and that's hard, too. So I'm wandering aimlessly, arms stretched out, reaching for something to hold onto, and I'm just having a hard time finding my anchor, you know?

I'm well aware this isn't happy, bubbly blog material, but it's the honest truth, and as I've always tried to be transparent about who I am, how I'm doing, and what I'm up to, I'll try to do it again today.

I haven't been myself lately - I've been in quite a funk, actually. A No Fun Funk. It really stinks when you find out that life really isn't fair, doesn't it? It stinks when friends aren't the friends you thought they were. It stinks when you discover you've become a disappointment to someone else yourself. It stinks when plans fall apart, when the poop hits the fan, when you feel like you have no control over your life, when more stuff happens to you than you feel you have the emotional stores to handle, when you feel like nobody cares, when it feels like your prayers are ricocheting off the, it's tough.

But even in this, and even though God seems far away from me right now, I know that's not really true. He loves me too much to let go of me. My name is written on His hand, and He has walked a mile in my shoes. His Word and His Spirit are gifts to remind me I am never alone, and I'm never unloved. So even in times like these, I will still say Blessed be the name of the Lord, because He is good and right and true. He is faithful and good and genuine. He never fails, He always prevails, and He is in it to win it, right here with me. And I will say thank you, God, for being my Rock, especially when I really, really need one, like now.

When I come out of this funk of all funks, I will be able to look back on this and say, "Yes, God brought me out of that, just like He brought me out of all the things before it. And when I feel the funkiness come around again, I can trust and know that He will bring me out of it again, over and over and over again, because that's who God is, and that's what He does." Praise Him.


Free at last said...

Jen, I read your blog every time you post something. I love to read it and catch up on what is going on in our life. Sounds like your funk is a stubborn little turd. I have been where you are many times and that is the time I have counted on my few and very few good friends to hold me up in encouragement and prayer and God understands you so just give yourself a little slack. I can count on one hand my very close and trusted friends/sisters are that I can tell anything and know it will be understood accepted and they love me anyway. I will be one of those people for you if you ever need me. Love you much and just hang in there. Aunt Becky

Ellen said...

I love you, my dear! One of the things I cherish most about you is your transparency. I'm praying for you and your precious family.

Kristen said...

I'm still a faithful follower of your blog and I still love you. :)

Megan said...

I read every one! I love that you said "Blessed be the name of the Lord." We were hit hard during a part of our time in fundraising where I questioned if we would even be able to go to the mission field, and the future looked so unclear. But we sang that song one evening, and it hit me in a way that I had never heard it before. I am glad you know this is a funk and not permanent. I pray that you can bless God in whatever this is--"he gives and takes away..." Thanks for sharing. We do serve a faithful God who is near to us.

Kristi Petrak said...

Jennifer, you are LOVED!! I know how you feel--I have felt like God was silent for a long time, and i am finally remembering that He is there!! It is so hard to remember that sometimes, especially when I see people who are getting what they want, and then i struggle to remember my own blessings! You are not alone, and i will say a special prayer for you today :) Love you!!! i'm glad we're also "Words with Friends" friends! even though you beat the crap out of me in that game :)