I'm having my doubts that anyone actually reads this blog anymore, which is okay since I write it mostly for me and my kiddos, and for family, but for anyone still hanging around who has been around for a while, you know I like to tell it like it is. And I have to say - like it is? Well, it's rough right now. That's probably why I've been so quiet on the blog-front lately. How do you say stuff like this without being a Debbie Downer, or feeling faithless? It's taken me some time to get up the guts to write this post, but maybe writing it will let someone else out there know they're not alone either.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
You know when everything just feels flipped upside-down in life, like nothing is what it's supposed to be? Or when you feel like you're invisible, or just not all that significant? Or when things just are not going the way you planned or thought they would? It's a tough, humbling way to feel, and I've been in a rut where everything just feels off for several weeks now. It's pretty normal for me to feel this way for a day or two every few months, but this...this is kicking my tail. I just can't seem to shake it. And to go for broke and be completely honest, I just haven't been in the Word like I need to be. So I don't have the peace and the reminders that usually bring so much strength. I feel like God is silent right now, like I can't reach Him, and that's hard, too. So I'm wandering aimlessly, arms stretched out, reaching for something to hold onto, and I'm just having a hard time finding my anchor, you know?
I'm well aware this isn't happy, bubbly blog material, but it's the honest truth, and as I've always tried to be transparent about who I am, how I'm doing, and what I'm up to, I'll try to do it again today.
I haven't been myself lately - I've been in quite a funk, actually. A No Fun Funk. It really stinks when you find out that life really isn't fair, doesn't it? It stinks when friends aren't the friends you thought they were. It stinks when you discover you've become a disappointment to someone else yourself. It stinks when plans fall apart, when the poop hits the fan, when you feel like you have no control over your life, when more stuff happens to you than you feel you have the emotional stores to handle, when you feel like nobody cares, when it feels like your prayers are ricocheting off the ceiling...man, it's tough.
But even in this, and even though God seems far away from me right now, I know that's not really true. He loves me too much to let go of me. My name is written on His hand, and He has walked a mile in my shoes. His Word and His Spirit are gifts to remind me I am never alone, and I'm never unloved. So even in times like these, I will still say Blessed be the name of the Lord, because He is good and right and true. He is faithful and good and genuine. He never fails, He always prevails, and He is in it to win it, right here with me. And I will say thank you, God, for being my Rock, especially when I really, really need one, like now.
When I come out of this funk of all funks, I will be able to look back on this and say, "Yes, God brought me out of that, just like He brought me out of all the things before it. And when I feel the funkiness come around again, I can trust and know that He will bring me out of it again, over and over and over again, because that's who God is, and that's what He does." Praise Him.
Posted by Jennifer at 10:40 PM