Disillusioned

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've changed my blog around a bit. Not really sure how to say what I've been feeling lately and how to write it, but this is my blog, eh, so I'm going to give it a shot.

I've been feeling...disillusioned. I'm feeling the need for a change, and I don't even really know what that means.

Michael and I have been back in this area for about 3 1/2 years, and for the past 2 years or so (especially since I had Bennett), I've worked SO hard to make friends. We're not talking saying, oh hey there! How are you? Fine thanks, and you? at church. We're talking out of my way phone calls and play dates that are awkward and somewhat stilted, we're talking organizing and planning events and activities so Bennett and I could get out there and meet new people and hopefully deepen friendships. We're talking being truthful and open about where I come from and how I feel and where I stand, which is what I was brought up being told was the best way to be. We're talking about putting myself out there and making myself vulnerable. I've always been an open book and have always been glad for that, and here's some more honesty...

Right now I am so frustrated and discouraged that I've had trouble sleeping at night and I feel restless. I've prayed and wrestled with these feelings for months now, but they don't go away. I don't know how to say what I really want to say without offending a lot of people who read this blog, and that's certainly not my desire...I just do not understand the way our pyramid of friendships in this society and culture (or maybe just here in my area - how am I to know?) works.

I'd love to know why when a person is loyal and caring and concerned and involved and works hard at a friendship, they're blown off or discarded or never truly accepted into the "inner circle." Or why you can think one minute that a friendship is forming beautifully, and then the next minute, "Surprise! I'd really rather be with this other group or individual," (which becomes obvious when said person no longer calls or engages in any type of interaction with you other than the acquaintance speech at church I mentioned earlier).

Doesn't this sound unbelievably middle schoolish? It does to me, and my whole life I've been waiting to find friends that have grown up and realized they're adults and that we're all to love and accept one another, not in a popularity contest or an "I've got the best this or the best that" contest, or an "I'm the prettiest, funniest, sweetest, most creative, etc. etc. etc." contest. And yet, that's most of what I find around me.

I'm well aware that this blog smacks of a bit of bitterness, and I confess this is something I'm working through, because it does hurt to feel like I'm on the outside looking in and to feel like I have to play some game I don't know the rules to to make deep, meaningful friendships (because they're really not all that meaningful to begin with if I'm having to play games, are they?)

I'm close enough with people to get party invitations to showers and birthday parties and events that require gifts, but not enough to be thought of for a group outing, or a play date that I haven't initiated, etc. (I am not scolding or scoffing at said invitations...just commenting on the surface level of my relationships that never seem to solidify or move forward). Somehow I've fallen into this social black hole and I've been there essentially my whole life. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about, because I confess, I feel very much alone, and have for a while. Of course I've never hinted at it before, because this seems to be quite the social no-no as well. Sometimes I think and pray, "Lord! What am I doing wrong, because clearly there's something I'm missing!" But I just can't seem to figure it out. I've desired a support system - people whom I know I can count on and lean on and they absolutely know the same of me, who I can call and know they love me as I am. Lord knows I've tried to be this for others, but I seem to be failing or doing a poor job, because it just hasn't worked out with other women I know.

I've come to no real conclusions, but I will say that the blog-world tends to feed my dissatisfaction with it all and emphasizes the things I've talked about here...so I've changed some things around to hopefully help with that. This blog was originally intended to keep close friends and loved ones who love me and my family and follow what we're up to because of that love, not because of some social etiquette or requirement...so that's what I'm attempting to take it back to, because somewhere along the way, it's become a road to keeping up with the Joneses and to entertain and to be likable.

And I'm thinking God is using these frustrations and feelings I've dealt with most of my life to finally, finally release me from caring so darn much about what other people think, because that gets pretty old in and of itself and harms only me.

We're human and we're fallible, and I'm not pointing a finger at anyone by any means, just trying to be honest like I try to be, and using my blog for what I intended it for in the first place. I'm tired of working so hard, and I'm praying seriously about retiring from the business of being a people pleaser and a friend maker, because it's just not working.

Thank you for taking the time for this honesty. I've removed the ability to comment from my blog, but if you have read this and you do care, your prayers would be appreciated as God and me work it all out.